Love it or hate it, there is no escaping the Zoom conference since we have been in lockdown we have forced into the world of video conferencing. Which means we have all come across at least one of these magnificent specimens in their natural environments.

1. Mrs Audio Only. Karen is a “technophobe” who does not understand modern technology, when it comes to video conference somehow she does not know what switch on video means. As a result, the rest of us can only see her as a K when everyone else is visual. Don’t be fooled this is just a cunning ploy from this Crouching Tiger (mum) Hidden Dragon.

You see Karen is actually outside of the world of Zoom a techno-bandit as she bombards Facebook with 50 conspiracy posts/comments about 5G daily and all likelihood of embarrassing her teenage kids on Tik-Tok with the daggiest version ever of the Macarena as we speak.

2. Mr “You’re in IT-Fix it”. Okay, Bossman let me be blunt here Digital Marketing is not the same as Information Technology. Social Media Management is not the same as Information Technology. SEO is not the same as Information Technology. Being a blogger or a podcaster is not the same as Information Technology. You don’t ask a plumber to rewire your house, or do you?

We don’t know how to code or fix your computer, let alone save your teleconference from crashing the entire NBN. Have you tried turning it off and on?

3. Mr “It should’ve been an Email” Previously these middle management wankers would invite you in for a team meeting that only lasts 5 minutes. Wasting your time going in getting to and from work for no apparent reason. Now they are here wasting your valuable Netflix Tiger King binge-watching time, with a Zoom conference that lasts 5 minutes.

4. Ms Funky Backdrop. Natasha is middle-aged, however, she believes that she is hip enough to be down with the kids. Being a Canva wiz, she plants a scene behind her from a Balinese rice paddy just to show everyone just how clever she is. However, she does not realise that there is an invention out there, called the Green Screen and soon half her head has camouflaged into the scenery.

Secretly deep down you are laughing at poor old Tash because A: Green Screen technology has been around since the 1940s and B: You can buy one pretty cheap on Amazon.

5. Mr Zoombomber Aah yes Aaron the class clown. You see Hamish Blake is a famous comedian and when he Zoombombs everyone laughs because it is original content. When you copy him the world does not see you in the same light. Seriously Azza, with all due respect, we know you have been reciting the likes of Weird Al Yankovic, Monty Python and Little Britain since year 4 and that your resume is written in comic sans. And there was that one time back in high school when you went for that streak, during the footy game after a few too many Red Bulls and the whole school thought it was such a hoot, it has been in local folklore ever since.

Now fast forward to adult life, the whole world knows that you have failed so spectacularly to a point that no-one can take you seriously enough for a job, root or home loan. You are not a comedic genius, you are the village idiot.

6. Ms Caged up Extrovert. Jenny was the life of the party, however, the government took the right to party away. So she has now taken to Zoom to catch up with some girlfriends over a glass of wine or two. It was a hoot back in March, now it has become a bit sad. Perhaps she and Mr Zoombomber would make a great pair?

7. Mr Webinar Unicorn. Pre-pandemic Benjamin was a freelance lead-magnet marketing genius in his own lunch box. However, like all rats that leave a sinking ship, his client base has all dried up in mid-March, so he has now developed a “masterclass” for the gullible type of wannabe entrepreneurs. You know the type the ones who think somehow there is a magic formula out there that can generate 1,000 high paying leads on Facebook in one week during an economic meltdown with very little or no effort. His magic formula may have “worked” back in 2015, but is now about as valid as the health report for a North Korean despot.

You watch he’ll pixel the shit out of it too, stalking you on Facebook and Instagram as you try to find out what happened to Carole Baskin’s first husband according to Buzzfeed. Nice try Benjamin we all know that your “Porsche” is in reality, is just a Vee Dub in a frock.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to any actual person living or deceased is purely coincidental. This blog is written for satirical purposes